


I Will Never Understand Men

by SammysDove_CrowleysKitten



Series: Crowley Series [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crowley gets distracted during court, Crowley shows up, Dean is an ass, F/M, He kinda overreacts... just a little, OMC knows the OFC, Rhea has a hangover, Someone partied too hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-10 20:44:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7005703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SammysDove_CrowleysKitten/pseuds/SammysDove_CrowleysKitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crowley has a little problem and decides to send his top demon to deal with it, only to find the demon is already involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Lovelies,
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy this one.
> 
> Comments and kudos as always :)
> 
> ~SammysDove_CrowleysKitten

* * *

 

“Free Saturday”, a term that was practically never used at the bunker, but boy was Rhea thrilled to finally hear it. Last night, her and the boys celebrated the end of a long hunt, and she unfortunately drank a little too much. 

 

Slipping on her silk robe, she staggered out to the kitchen, cursing under her breath as she went. Both boys were already awake, and Sam had even gotten back from his run by this time. Dean whistled when he saw her and she quickly brought a hand to her mangled hair. "Look at you, someone had a hard night, huh Sammy." 

 

"Yeah... Hey, what's that remedy you like for a hangover Dean?" 

 

"Oh you mean greasy, slimy coney islands, served in an half full ashtray." 

 

Rhea stifled a gag, and covered her mouth with her other hand, "Both o' you can bite me." She sighed, and they laughed. 

 

"Does the offer to 'bite' stand for me too." Crowley stood in the doorway looking almost... Nervous? He looked as though he regretted his comment, something  Crowley never did. Rhea gave him a minute smile and pushed past Sam, heading back to her bedroom. 

 

"I can handle one of you boys torturing me, as long as it’s Sam, but I can't handle the--" she gagged again, "Three o' ya... I'm going back to bed." 

 

Dean called after her as she left, "Remember Hocus Pocus, greasy coney islands." 

 

"So what are you doing here Crowley?" Sam inquired, taking a place at the table. 

 

"Just thought I'd stop by and see my favorite morons." Sam raised an eyebrow, "Don't look at me like that, Moose." 

 

"You came to see Rhea." 

 

"What're you talking about?" Crowley defended. 

 

"Give it up, man, we see the way you tag along after her. You get all quiet around her, and nervous." Dean added, shoveling eggs and other food onto plates for him and his brother. 

 

Crowley scoffed, "I don't get nervous around women, I'm a bloody king."  

 

"You get nervous around Rhea." 

 

"Imbeciles." Crowley huffed and snapped his fingers, making a hasty exit. 

 

... 

 

Back on his throne in hell, Crowley contemplated what the boys had said. Did he act differently around that woman? A demon was currently groveling at his feet and Crowley hadn't caught a word of his pleas.  _ The little minx. Of all women, why her? And of course she has to live with those plaid covered Neanderthals, seeing them isn’t painful enough. I have to worry about making a fool of myself in front of her as well. Perhaps if I got her alone, it would make a difference. No, you bloody moron, you'd talk even less. Plus, she's a witch like mother, how can I trust her... Can't trust anyone. I'll stop at the bunker again tonight to see if she’s alone. _

 

"Majesty?" There was a long pause, "majesty?" Crowley was drawn from his internal dialog, and looked out to see a confused court.

 

"What!" He barked.

 

"Your verdict on punishment, Sire?" 

 

Crowley, having missed the entire case, simply snapped and reduced the demon to ashes. He stood from his throne and straightened his jacket, stepping in the  cinders as he left. "Court is dismissed, we'll resume later." 

 

Locked away in his office, he quickly downed Craig after Craig, until the bottle was empty. Slamming the glass onto the table, he ran a hand over his face as the 

door opened and Andrew slipped into the room. He closed the door behind him. “Are you feeling alright, your majesty?”

 

“Peachy.” He growled.

 

“That was a quite a bite back there, even for you, Sire.” Crowley rolled his eyes and picked up his, now refilled, glass. “I don’t wanna be the next pile of ashes on the  floor, but do wanna share the cause of this violent outburst?”

 

“No.”

 

“Come on, Majesty,” Andrew prodded, taking a seat across from Crowley’s desk. 

 

“I don’t need a cheap therapy session, Andrew… You can do me a favor though.” He set his glass back down, raising a curious eyebrow at Andrew.

 

“What might that be?”

 

“I need you to trail a witch for me. She’s giving me ‘trouble’, lately.” 

 

“What’s her name? I can have my men follow her immediately.”

 

“Her first name is Rhea, I don’t know a last name… She has long black hair, darker olive skin, and--”

 

“Lavender eyes?” Andrew interrupted, worry written plainly across his face.

 

“How'd you know that?”

 

“Sire, please, Rhea is a good woman. Whatever trouble she’s causing you, allow me to sort it out with her personally. I don’t feel comfortable bringing my demons  into this.”

 

“Are you ‘involved’ with her?” Crowley asked, with more of a growl to his voice than he had intended.

 

Andrew laughed, “Pardon my casualty sir but, no way in hell… or on Earth. She’s practically a little sister to me.”

 

“So you know her?” Crowley sat at his desk, leaning over the top in curiosity.

 

“Probably better than anyone… What do you want to know?”

 

“Everything you do.”

 

“She and I grew up together, we were the same age and when I was twenty-five, I sold my soul to save my wife and baby boy, and ten years later I was getting tied to the rack. When I got promoted, the first thing I did was go see her and--.” Crowley rolled his eyes wanting the demon to get to the good parts. “Long story short, her name is Rhea Lockwood. It was Beauchene but then she got married--”

 

“She’s married?” Crowley swore he could actually feel his heart sink.

 

“Was married. Her husband was killed in World War Two. I think he was a paratrooper or something. He was a good guy.”

 

“These aren’t the parts I want to hear.” Red began to flick up around the edges of his eyes.

 

“Sorry, sir. She’s single, she’s well trained in witchcraft so be careful if you mess with her, and she’s damn near as sexual as you when it comes to conversational suggestions. She may act like she’s all ‘free love’ about life, but she takes love seriously. If you want her for a queen you’re making a good choice. She wouldn’t betray you, she’ll love you no matter what, and you’ll always be her first priority.”

 

“Any downsides to her?” He drummed his fingertips against his glass.

 

Andrew laughed, “For you, yeah. She takes love seriously, she won’t come off of it as easily as you might think. She’s only had sex with two men besides her husband, one before and one in ‘82 when she was wasted drunk.” Andrew stood and went to leave, he stopped in the doorway and turned to Crowley, “I say this as her brother and not one of your demons: Do whatever you want, but don’t hurt her. You’ll regret it.”

 

“Pseudo-brother or not, don’t ever make the mistake of threatening your king again.”

 

**“It wasn’t a threat, it was a warning… She’s got a hot temper, and when she’s scorned it’s best to hide.” With that, Andrew closed the door, leaving Crowley to his own thoughts. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhea makes one last attempt, and Crowley doesn't stand a chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies,
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy the read, I'm super excited for this series and I can't wait to get everything written/published. I've started outlining and writing some fun pieces.

* * *

 

The same evening as Crowley’s hissy fit, the boys asked for help on a case, saying they needed a translation on a book that was at the bunker. Dean called from a bar and Crowley met them there, in need of a good drink and a little society. He had locked himself away in his office after his conversation with Andrew. “Hello Boys” Crowley looked around and then back to the table.

 

“Your little girlfriend isn’t here.” Dean rolled his eyes.

 

“ I was looking for the book, moron.” Crowley hissed the final word under his breath.

 

“At the bar counter?” Sam asked, with a smirk.

 

“Do want my help or not.” Both boys raised the hands in defense. “Now, Where’s the book.”

 

“It’s at the bunker, we didn’t wanna risk bringing it here, so just snap yourself in there and read the thing. It’s in the dungeon, but you know where that is.” Dean winked.

 

“Bite me, Squirrel.”

 

Sam slid a piece of paper across the table, “Page 107, we think it’s a Mesopotamian language.”

 

“‘What about Rhea?”

 

“Son of a bitch, she’s probably already asleep, just go read the damn thing and come back here.”

 

* * *

 

Three hours ago:

 

Rhea sat in the library with the boys and worked her way through an ‘Adore Me’ catalog, she slowly sipped her coffee, still nursing her hangover. Turning the page, her and the boys looked up, startled, when they heard someone clear their throat. Rhea stood up and calmed the boys down, leading the guest off to her room. “Andrew honey, You just about got you’self killed.”

 

“You’d’ve saved me.”

 

“Don’t hold yo’ breath on that.” She winked.

 

“I need to talk to you about my boss.”

 

“You’ Boss? Ain’t that the man in the black suit, charming smile, and those delicious eyes.” 

 

“Crowley." 

 

"Mmm, I'd like to get my hands on him. But ever'time he sees me he stops talking and takes off running. That's enough to break a little girl's heart, ya know." 

 

"I know, but he adores you. He just threw a fit in court because someone interrupted him thinking about you." 

 

"Really?" Her eyes glittered. 

 

"I watched him burn the demon to ashes. Then when I went to talk to him, he ordered me to follow you and try to learn more about you... He didn't know I already knew you, of course." 

 

"Follow me? Well, I guess that could be kinda flattering if ya think about it right. He could at least talk to me on his own though." 

 

"He cleared his schedule for tonight, do with that information what you will... Maybe Thing One and Thing Two could use a hand on that case they're doing." He winked, "It'd be nice having you as a queen, balance out Crowley's wrath." 

 

"You know I wouldn't be with him to use ‘im like that... He ain't got a hex bag on you or nothing does he? The boys told me he knows how to make one, they refused to tell me who taught him though." 

 

"No, I don't have a hex bag. And for the record, his mother taught him." 

 

"Well, who's his mother?" 

 

"I wouldn't wanna ruin the surprise." He kissed her head and vanished. 

 

She scurried back to the library with a huge grin on her face, "You boys have done a lot of work, you should go relax, and I won't have any ifs, ands, or buts about it. Get out and have a little fun." 

 

"I don't know if you drank too much last night to remember, Hocus Pocus, but we had fun already, a little too much." 

 

"Oh I know, but just think... Some poor little honey could be sitting at the bar being hounded by pushy, unmannered men," She paused placing a hand on top of Dean's, "What's gonna happen to that girl if there ain't some strong, handsome, smooth talking man with gorgeous green eyes there to save her from all the bothering, and give her the night o' her life? Hmm?" Dean smirked at Rhea's description of himself.  

 

"Why don't I get a description like that?" Sam pouted, 

 

"Because suga' plum," She held his jawline between her thumb and first two fingers, "I only gotta convince one o' you, and Dean's the one that's drivin'." 

 

"I think you make a damn good point... Come on, Sammy."  

 

"Hang on a sec, why do you want us outta the bunker so bad?" 

 

"Cause, I got a plan, but it ain't gonna work if you’re here... Now, I need you boys to act for me and ask Crowley for help." 

 

"With what?" Sam asked with a sassy tone. 

 

"Don't take that tone with me... I need you to ask him to come to the bunker and translate that passage I translated earlier." 

 

"Will you just friggin tell us your master plan?" 

 

She sighed dramatically, "Fine, Andrew, my friend that was just here, said that Crowley might have a little ‘crush’ on me.... And I wanna see if I can get him to tell me." 

 

"Really? That's why your sending us out to drink?" 

 

"Please Dean, it'd mean the world to me. I ain't never had a man make me feel like this, at least not since my husband was alive. I'm begging you boys... It's hard being immortal all alone." Her doe eyes confirmed her words, and the boys sighed, giving in to her pleas. 

 

"It's okay, Rhea, me and Dean can head out for a couple hours and let you hang out with Crowley." 

 

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, you darlin's are the best." She kissed the tops of their heads. Shoving them off towards the doors.

 

* * *

 

Now: 

 

Rhea slipped into her favorite nightgown and brushed out her long black hair, spraying a hint of perfume on her neck and wrist. She sat in her bedroom quietly waiting to hear the arrival of the demon king. 

 

After what felt like a lifetime of waiting, she heard rustling down the hall. Rhea climbed out of bed, not bothering to put on her robe, and snuck out to the library, he wasn't there. She padded down the halls until she reached the open doors of the dungeon. Bingo. She saw his fresh pressed black suit leaning over a table, and smiled, adjusting her breasts and bringing her hair in front of her shoulders. "Crowley? What're you doin' here so late?" He turned and his eyes went wide with shock before they narrowed, filling with lust at the sight of her small, blue nightgown. He appreciated the slit in the material that ran the length of her upper thigh.

"Rhea... Squirrel said you'd be asleep by now." He shifted, the urge to vanish was clear on him. 

 

"Don't leave on account of me being up, I just heard someone in the bunker and wanted to make sure it wasn't someone that was gonna kill me." She yawned quietly, feigning drowsiness.

 

"Never, Pet. Now, run back to bed, I have a translation to do." He turned a cold shoulder back towards the book. 

 

"Oh, that one the boys couldn't get?" She moved right beside him and placed her hands on the table, pressing her breasts together. He swallowed, trying to pull his  eyes back to the book. "Maybe I could help." 

 

"You can help by going back to your room."  _ Stop snapping at her you moron. _ She shrunk back under his harsh tone.  _ Now look what you've done. _ "I'm sorry, Pet. I shouldn't have snapped." 

 

"It's alright, I guess... May I ask you something?" When he didn’t answer, she just continued, “Why are you always so cold to me?" 

 

"Because." 

 

"Because, why?" She fluttered her eyelashes innocently. 

 

"Don't bat your eyes like that." He shifted his standing position, adjusting himself subtly. 

 

She leaned down, crossing her arms on the table, and rested her head on her hands, causing her silk nightgown to slid up on her butt a little. "Do you not like it when I bat my eyes? The way you keep moving around says different." 

 

His eyes drifted to her panty clad backside and he shook his head, contemplating whether to keep fighting or give into his desires. He straightened his posture, stalking around her, his confidence regained. He ran a finger along her spine and he felt her shiver. He laced his fingers around both of her arms and pulled her flush against his chest. She whimpered in shock. “You kill me, you know that, Pet.”

 

“Crowley, I--”

 

“Stop… It’s your turn to answer me a question. Do you mean nothing by your playing or do you want something to come of it?”   
  


“Something.”

 

“Wonderful. I hoped to hear a bit of good news after the torment that your eyes, and curves, and every other hypnotizing part of your body has put me through.” He let her go and he noticed her chest rising and falling rapidly with desire, when he turned her to face him.

 

“Crowley”, She whispered, “I want you to know, I really ain’t some loose woman. I just-- I tried everything to get you to talk to me and when that didn’t work I thought maybe something physical might.”

 

Crowley smirked, “I’m a physical man, Darling.” He lifted her chin and pressed his lips to hers. Fire burned behind his kiss, and he wanted to press harder, to show her the true extent of the want he had for her, but he was afraid she’d react negatively. She felt his hesitation and pressed into the kiss a little more before pulling away. A smile played at her beautiful lips and he smiled back.

 

“Goodnight Crowley.”

 

“Goodnight, Pet.” She wandered towards the doorway with her hips swinging perfectly as he watched her go. When she reached it, she stopped, turning back to him.

 

**“Oh and by the way suga’, I already translated that for the boys this morning.” She winked, slipping back to her room. Once back under the covers she heard Crowley leave and she smiled to herself. “I did it…ugh, three hundred years and I still don’t understand men.” Rolling onto her side she opened her nightstand drawer and pulled out an aged photo. “Oh Henry, I think I’m finally doin’ what you told me to.” She lazily ran a finger over the picture as she spoke, and hid it away once more. **


End file.
